Dear Lily: I’m writing to you about my, um, downstairs compadre. I’m not exactly packing the heat in that department which has sometimes caused me great embarrassment, especially on things like sports days at school when we all had to shower in the locker rooms. I got called all kinds of names: noodle dick for example, and once someone even gave me a cheerio to have sex with. Anyway, now I’m nineteen and have a girlfriend and of course I’m worried about having sex for the first time with her. Do women really care about the size of a penis? – toothpick dick

Dear dick: First of all, we girls appreciate humour in a man above most other things. I suppose in your case, a sense of humour may be especially useful. Humour rates just below filthy rich, but well above over/undersize dongers, so you can assume that the size or the lack thereof is not that important. I must say that the problem of penis size is very much, in my opinion, a male generated one with men’s belief that sex is only about genitals, so bigger must be better. It isn’t. Focus on everything else – having fun, exploring sensuality and intimacy. Most girls will not care much about the size of that cute little appendage when it’s called to action if you follow this advice.

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Oct 20

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