"Ask Lily"

Find the answers to all your
mating and dating dilemmas.
Send your questions to Lily


Q. *New* Dear Lily: I have sexual feelings for a woman who is not my wife. Should I act on them? – Doubting Thomas


Dear Tom: Definitely! Pretending your muse is your wife, and vice-versa, during sex will enhance the magic for all of you. But be sure not to call out the wrong name at that climactic moment. Instead, memorise “Oh God” It’s a safe alternative, even for atheists.


Q. Dear Lily: My boyfriend of three months is pushing me to have sex with him, I love him, but he refuses to use a deodorant, doesn’t seem to shower very often and loves garlic. What would you do with him? – Gagging Girlfriend

A. Dear GG: I would do nothing with him. Except stand upwind.

Q. Dear Lily: What’s your opinion about having sex on a first date? – Curious

A. Dear Curious: It’s fine by me. I’m usually not interested in seeing them again either.

Q. Dear Lily: We’ve been married fifty-five years and now my husband has started chasing younger women. He’s always had an eye for the ladies, but isn’t this dangerous for a man of his age? – Muriel

A. Dear Muriel: Boys will be boys won’t they! My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it. Trust me.

Q. Dear Lily: My wife wants to visit a brothel with me for a threesome and I’m worried about not being good enough to satisfy both of them. Help! – Worried Stud

A. Dear Worried: If I did help, that would be a foursome, you’re in enough trouble already.

Q. Dear Lily: I’m a non-smoker and I’m concerned that my girlfriend always smokes after we’ve had sex. The smell is revolting. How can I stop this? – Clean air freak

A. Dear Freak: I find that a little lubricant helps.

Q. Dear Lily: I am quite obese – a problem that runs in my family. Will men still find me sexy and attractive? – Cuddly One

A. Dear Cuddles: Being obese isn’t what runs in your family. The problem is no-one runs in your family. But don’t despair, there is someone for everyone. Just look at the Kardashians.

Q. Dear Lily: There is a big age difference between my partner and me. Is this a problem? – Youngster

A. Dear Youngster: Absolutely not! Older men make wonderfully caring lovers, are generous, tend to have large super funds and their own home. And will leave it to you when they’re gone while you’re still young enough to enjoy it.

Q. Dear Lily: I am thinking of visiting a brothel. What is the etiquette with choosing a lady? – Mr Manners

A. Dear Mr Manners: I’m going to assume you’re a decent sort, and that your relationships so far haven’t been a shitstorm of domestic abuse, neglect and psychological cruelty. Basic etiquette decrees that if you wouldn’t treat a girlfriend that way, don’t treat a sex worker that way. These are basic people skills. That, and don’t “window shop”.

Q. Dear Lily: I think I am falling in love with an escort. I have spent a lot of time with her and we have shared very intimate moments. I have asked her on a date outside of the brothel, but she has yet to accept. What does this mean? – Confused Lover

A. Dear Confused: She’s weighing up a few things. She’s probably earning as much as the Prime Minister and thinks you’re going to ask her to give it up. For you, love, and a living wage. Do the math.