*New* Dear Lily: My mate was in over the weekend (we love the place) and put ten bucks in the tin. What’s all this stuff about you collecting money for little kids? – Mr short arms and deep pockets.
Dear Mis-shapen 😍: It’s not just any kids. We have our own charity called The Sunlight Foundation and we help rescue very young children from the vile sex traffickers in Asia. It’s something we feel passionate about. Our lovely guests, like your friend, are very supportive of what we are trying to do. So, next time you come in, dig in the glovebox for that loose change, even a few 20 cent pieces is great. It’s good for your soul.
*New* Dear Lily: Despite my pleading and begging, I can’t get my girlfriend to give me a porn star experience. Any suggestions? – Lusty Lou
Dear Lusty: Pay her $300,000 a year.
Dear Ian: You are clearly a member of Mensa to be asking a meaning of life question. Finding two such mutually desirable but contradictory fantasies in the one person is the holy grail of relationship dilemmas and though not completely unknown, like hen’s teeth and four leaf clovers, most people are usually happy to settle for one or the other. Some even decide to reach this exalted state by having two partners, one for each, which can work well depending on the secrecy practiced by one or the tolerance given by the other. My advice therefore is to choose which is the more desirable. Alternatively, my recommendation is to take a middle road and seek “affection and companionship” – these are infinitely more important than seeking the Hallmark Romantic Fantasy and does lead to living happily ever after. I hope this at least will set you on the right path.
*New* Zdravo Lily, Hey, what do you think about the latest news? Donald just went and got himself impeached; took him a little while to understand – he thought it was something to do with the Chinese fruit importers and wanted to slap on a 30% tariff. Once I explained he went red with rage, which at least was a change from the baby-poop orange. Now, the newspapers are calling him and Rudy Guiliani “Tweetledum and Tweetledee”. I’m still thinking a good night out with you and Kyles and a few matelots is needed, that old tub of lard can’t get anything up these days – Mel T. 💗
Dear Mels – Nice to hear from you again. He’s just a gift that keeps on giving isn’t he (providing he can swing a personal favour or two in return). Still I suppose the huntin’, shootin’, cattle-rootin’ rednecks drinking beer in their trailer parks love how great America is again. Yep, let’s do it – we’ll find some nice men that can at least still see their feet.
Dear Lily: My boyfriend is becoming more insistent with me about trying “Greek”; it’s driving me round the bend. This idea sounds quite revolting to me. What’s the story with men wanting to do such a gross thing with women and why is it called “Greek”? – Helen
Dear Helen: My opinion is much the same as yours especially as we have such a wonderful purpose-built alternative. It’s strange that it gets this name. I’ve only ever known one girl who pretended to enjoy it, except on PornHub – she was Greek as a matter of fact, but that’s not a very serious bit of research. These stereotypes just seem to pop up, like New Zealanders and sheep. I’ve never had a letter from a sheep approving or complaining about the Kiwi men’s preferences for them, so I don’t know how true this is either. Anyway, to your question. My advice is to give him his wish; buy a strap-on, an XXL one, and you give him what he’s asking you for, and skip the lubricant. I’m sure the requests will cease afterwards and your anterior region can continue to enjoy the task it was actually designed for.
Dear Lily: I’m writing to you about my, um, downstairs compadre. I’m not exactly packing the heat in that department which has sometimes caused me great embarrassment, especially on things like sports days at school when we all had to shower in the locker rooms. I got called all kinds of names: noodle dick for example, and once someone even gave me a cheerio to have sex with. Anyway, now I’m nineteen and have a girlfriend and of course I’m worried about having sex for the first time with her. Do women really care about the size of a penis? – toothpick dick
Dear dick: First of all, we girls appreciate humour in a man above most other things. I suppose in your case, a sense of humour may be especially useful. Humour rates just below filthy rich, but well above over/undersize dongers, so you can assume that the size or the lack thereof is not that important. I must say that the problem of penis size is very much, in my opinion, a male generated one with men’s belief that sex is only about genitals, so bigger must be better. It isn’t. Focus on everything else – having fun, exploring sensuality and intimacy. Most girls will not care much about the size of that cute little appendage when it’s called to action if you follow this advice.
Dear Lily: I’m single again after a marriage that didn’t work out. I’ve had a few girlfriends since and now spend a lot of time with a girl, who is my best friend, who now wants to have sex – with a promise of no strings attached. I don’t love her that way but I like our friendship. What to do? – Paul (but not the Saint)
Dear Paul: Do you know how many millions of men who, when confronted with sex with no strings attached, would not be writing to me about it. They’d be into the shower, calling Interflora, stopping by the chemist and beating a path to her door with a grin from ear to ear. But since you did write, here’s some advice: Women try to persuade men into bed by saying that sex is just nothing, and it will simply be a pleasurable but meaningless experience. We are lying through our teeth. It’s men who want the meaningless experience, women want a deeper relationship so be prepared for a different best friend if you agree.
Dear Lily: I think I am falling in love with a sex worker. I have spent a lot of time with her and we have shared very intimate moments. I have asked her on a date outside the brothel, but she has yet to accept, telling me she’s very busy. What does this mean? – Confused Lover
Dear Confused: She’s weighing up a few things. She’s probably earning as much as the Prime Minister and thinks you’re going to ask her to give it up. For you, love, and a living wage. Do the maths.
Dear Lily. I have cheated on my wife but realised it was a mistake and ended it. Now I feel very guilty whenever I see her. Should I tell her the truth? – Torn
Dear Torn: From your email, I can easily tell you love her and want to stay together. The only question for you is how would she feel if you told her. I can tell you a few possibilities: she’ll feel she’s not good enough, why didn’t she know, will you do it again, are you still lying to her, was she better than her in bed, does she know her, to name a few. Does she deserve that anguish? Your guilt will fade, but trust never returns. So keep quiet.
Dear Lily Yang: It’s Boris, and I just got a great new job as the new Winston Churchill; Eton, Oxford and looking like Donald Trump is definitely the passport to power these days. But I have a problem. All of my so-called, upper class friends are in relationships except me, or gay. How can I stop feeling so alone and jealous of them for having someone who cares about them like that?
Dear Boris: Like most, I was bemused when you got the keys to Number 10, just like the old days of Empire! It says as much for the English, as for their US cousins, that they opted for another society-disrupting, whisky-drinking, upper-class twit as leader. To your credit though, you can at least string together a few compound words, albeit without thinking about them too much, even if they are in Latin. Don’t worry about feeling jealous and alone, you’ll soon find everyone wants to say something about you – the English haven’t had much to laugh about since the days of Monty Python. Just follow your American muse – a few mistresses, a few more porkies – and you’ll soon have Britain great again. New Churchill? Your Norwegian Blue parrot is not sleeping…