"Ask Lily"

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mating and dating dilemmas.
Send your questions to Lily

Dear dick: First of all, we girls appreciate humour in a man above most other things. I suppose in your case, a sense of humour may be especially useful. Humour rates just below filthy rich, but well above over/undersize dongers, so you can assume that the size or the lack thereof is not that important. I must say that the problem of penis size is very much, in my opinion, a male generated one with men’s belief that sex is only about genitals, so bigger must be better. It isn’t. Focus on everything else – having fun, exploring sensuality and intimacy. Most girls will not care much about the size of that cute little appendage when it’s called to action if you follow this advice.

Dear Paul: Do you know how many millions of men who, when confronted with sex with no strings attached, would not be writing to me about it. They’d be into the shower, calling Interflora, stopping by the chemist and beating a path to her door with a grin from ear to ear. But since you did write, here’s some advice: Women try to persuade men into bed by saying that sex is just nothing, and it will simply be a pleasurable but meaningless experience. We are lying through our teeth. It’s men who want the meaningless experience, women want a deeper relationship so be prepared for a different best friend if you agree.

Dear Confused: She’s weighing up a few things. She’s probably earning as much as the Prime Minister and thinks you’re going to ask her to give it up. For you, love, and a living wage. Do the maths.

Dear Torn: From your email, I can easily tell you love her and want to stay together. The only question for you is how would she feel if you told her. I can tell you a few possibilities: she’ll feel she’s not good enough, why didn’t she know, will you do it again, are you still lying to her, was she better than her in bed, does she know her, to name a few. Does she deserve that anguish? Your guilt will fade, but trust never returns. So keep quiet.

Dear Boris: Like most, I was bemused when you got the keys to Number 10, just like the old days of Empire! It says as much for the English, as for their US cousins, that they opted for another society-disrupting, whisky-drinking, upper-class twit as leader. To your credit though, you can at least string together a few compound words, albeit without thinking about them too much, even if they are in Latin. Don’t worry about feeling jealous and alone, you’ll soon find everyone wants to say something about you – the English haven’t had much to laugh about since the days of Monty Python. Just follow your American muse – a few mistresses, a few more porkies – and you’ll soon have Britain great again. New Churchill? Your Norwegian Blue parrot is not sleeping…

Dear Baffled: It is much more likely she was simply tired and didn’t wish to keep on instructing you. It’s hardly possible that you were suddenly “right” after all these years, so you need not worry about having to suddenly take responsibility for something in your relationship. I also doubt she’s having an affair, more likely having menopause, in which case you could expect several other hand-grenades being lobbed in your direction over the next few years. It would be worth your while to buy chocolate.

Dear Penis with legs: First of all, don’t send a picture to me, I already have enough for an exhibition at the National Gallery. Secondly, it’s safe to assume your girlfriend is not with you for the long haul and is simply enjoying the novelty of being with the biggest dick in town. Which is true whichever way you look at it. But you’re missing a business opportunity here; start charging money for sex, (perhaps a price per centimetre?) and photo-ops, double if they want to autograph it.

Dear Jeffrey: I regret summary justice will not come your way just yet, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy the anticipation – the fine lads at the State Penitentiary will no doubt want to remove your genitals with a blunt razor. I believe several have young daughters of their own. Best to keep a firm grip of the soap while in the shower after you become “Jeffrina”…

Dear Kim: It never hurts to keep your best assets front and centre. It would be preferable to say, being a news anchor or lipstick model.
Oh, I didn’t say yours was better, I said that she looked scrawny. Judging you over her in porno talent would be like choosing to poke yourself in the left or right eye with a sharp stick.

Dear Israel: This is not really a question, but I appreciate your warm, caring Christian concern for another human being. However, large, sweaty men fondling each other with their noses inserted in each other’s anuses, while they fight over a pig’s bladder, is not exactly my idea of the Promised Land, even if it’s yours. Smelling bums and chasing balls is only cute when my doggies do it. But let me not judge…

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