"Ask Lily"

Find the answers to all your
mating and dating dilemmas.
Send your questions to Lily

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Q. *New* Dear Lily: Hi there, or “zdravo” as we say in the old country. It’s Melania. I just need to warn you about writing to Donald again, many of your words had more than 2 syllables so I had to translate for him. Anyway, the advice for the burger toppings you gave him last week was wonderful!! It was “TREMENDOUS” Haha. It’s the first time that ancient blowhard has had more crap coming out of him from the right end for a long time. It did make me smile, thanks.

P.S It would be such fun with you and Kylie down the docks – I’d love some fun with someone who could get it up. Love Melania (call me “Mels” 😊)

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Dear Mels: You’ll always be my first lady.

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Q. *New* Dear Lily: I went to my new girlfriend’s home last night to meet her parents. I was horrified because I’d met her mother in a dimly lit bar the week before and had some wild sex with her after a few vinos. She was fantastic, much better than her daughter, a real cougar. We drove to a parking lot, which was also dark and had our raunchy sex on the back seat of my car, so I’m not certain she recognised me. Is this going to be a problem? – Sheepish

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Dear Sheepish: Is this going to be a problem!! Where do I start?? This is what’s wrong with men today. You find a new girlfriend but can’t keep your donger holstered even for a few days between dates. Don’t you realise that you could so easily have destroyed that precious mother/daughter relationship with your reckless philandering. Never, never drink and drive.

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Q. *New* Dear Lily: My wife wants to give me a special birthday treat and take me to a brothel for a threesome. I’m worried about not being good enough to satisfy both of them. Help! – Worried Stud

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Dear Worried: If I did help, that would be a foursome; seems to me you’re in enough trouble already.

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Q. *New* Dear Lily: There’s this really hot girl at work who has never even looked at me before, who has just sent me a text message asking me to come over for sex. Life’s been pretty hard on the dating front lately and the last girl I liked never even returned my calls. My pick-up lines fall flat, even my last blind date never showed up.Is this a trick? – Suspicious

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Dear Suspicious: It’s called a “booty call”. She’s not wasting precious minutes of your life with pointless conversation, asking how you are when she couldn’t care less. You should respect a girl who respects your time so you can both get into meaningless sex. Where else are you going to find a girl like this you don’t have to pay for. She’s probably sent the same message to half a dozen other losers; haul your ass over there immediately before you miss out yet again, or she sobers up.

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Q. *New* Dear Lily: You may have noticed the troubles I’ve been having lately in relation to little boys, I’m innocent of course. My problem is that one of my flock, another priest, came to me at confession once telling me he could only masturbate while holding a picture of Jesus. I told him that was blasphemous and not what was meant by loving the Saviour. I suggested he could use a picture of an altar boy instead, which ought to be okay. Now I’m worried this might come back and haunt me even though I am an innocent and misunderstood pedophile. Should I be worried? – George

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Dear George: I think you’re being a bit hard on the priest; many of my guests commonly call out to the Big Guy at that climactic moment, even the atheists. I wouldn’t worry about the altar boy either, I think you’ll have more problems with the grown-ups for the next few years.

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Q. *New* Dear Lily: I’m Irish and have fallen in love with a man I met on line. His name is Seamus Mgumbo O’Flaherty, also Irish, and he lives in Nigeria. I can’t believe I’m so lucky! Unfortunately, he was involved in an accident and asked me to loan him money for his hospital bill (his wallet with his insurance card was stolen he told me). Of course, I helped him with $40,000. Now the hospital wants another $50,000 for more emergency surgery and he wants me to fly there with the cash – also as he says, to meet for the first time and get married. I’ve booked my flight, but do I need any vaccinations? – Happy in love

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Dear Happy: Do you realise how many scams are run out of Nigeria? Why on earth are you giving money to a total stranger and… No, wait. Nigeria is the most dangerous place on earth for violent robberies of gullible…No, wait. This man is no more Irish than Bill Cosby and is going to… Wait. You know what? The weather’s nice there, just get a flu shot. You’ll be fine.

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Q. *New* Hi.LiLy: I am Lou, a 1% er and I have a problem. My sexual prowess has reached a spiritual state of ecstasy going 4 to 8 hours, I cannot find a partner that can handle me. Do you know of any that can match my super human sexual domination? – Lou

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Dear Lou, or should I say “oh, Transcendental One”?: I’m all for the support of your sexual ecstasy as you seek to enhance the temporal and spiritual welfare of your fellow-men (or women in your case) — whether it comes from the glorious union with god or from a nice bottle of Johnnie Walker Black and Ice doesn’t really bother me. I’m sure my fallen angels would blissfully bring you into their sensual fold. I trust your bank account has the same heavenly dimensions as your organ.

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Q. *New* Dear Lils: People say I still look great in hot-pants but like you I’m getting beyond bar-hopping, thank god, but the shallowness of the social media gene-pool, and the weirdos and desperadoes that hang around me, just makes me cringe. The pits, yes? Doesn’t anyone have any interpersonal skills any more? I still have a very healthy sex-drive but haven’t found a bit of uncomplicated, lusty sex since I dated Michael. What to do, Lils? – Kylie

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Dear Kyles: You’re speaking my language, sister! You should meet some of my social media “friends” – why anyone thinks a photo of their penis will bring me slobbering to their bedside amazes me. You and I need to get ourselves down to the docks when the fleet comes in and hook a sex-starved sailor or three. We’ll both feel like teenagers again.

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Q. Dear Lily: Everyone knows what a tremendous job I’ve been doing. Ask anyone, I’ll tell you. Just tremendous. Last year I even declared April, Sexual Assault Month. I meant, Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but, hey, what’s the difference. Anyway, just yesterday Melania scrawled a message on my Big Mac wrapper that said “get some empathy”. Do you think this a new burger topping or was she offering a generic Viagra brand and maybe some sex with her? – POTUS TREMENDUS

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Dear Donald: Your tremendous intellect is shining through as usual. You guessed it, it’s a new burger topping. It often goes by the name of Epsom Salts, you sprinkle it liberally over your next triple cheeseburger, at least a tablespoon full. It’s the newest taste sensation. You’ll love it, could even make Melania smile…

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Q. Dear Lily: I just lost my job and feeling very unloved; I don’t understand how my magnetic personality failed to inspire the nation to let me tax them into poverty. One of my union mates – let’s just call him “Craig X” told me about your fine establishment and I’m thinking of paying a visit. Unfortunately, in my new circumstances it may be your bill is one that I cannot afford. Any chance of a discount? – Beaconsfield Bill

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Dear Bill: Sorry to hear about your changed fortunes, it seems that the good old days when Craig’s credit card could keep us all in clover are past. No discounts, sorry. Like you, I believe that the top end of town should pay their way